Maybe I should go out again. Not out to like a film or stuff, but out to the country.
Seems like she steals my style, that I already look like her, but she’s publicised about it. So I can’t afford to look the same. I stay after school for band and feel like a messy slug. Looking in the mirror my hair is greasy and limp, my leather jacket is too big and Candela looks just gorgeous, Lucy looks comfortably flawless and Tina looks fresh and great. I feel like I’m stuck within my own awkward clothes and bad hair. Get home and I feel comfortable and I look in the mirror and my clothes fit, my hair is fine my skin’s not so bad. I must mentally adjust to myself or something at home. I can’t tell which one is real. The school one seems more real, there’s no denying I feel uncomfortable.
Most of the time it’s my hair. My hair that looks like hers so much I look like an imposter. You know, things don’t really get easier. The heroes I’ve been reading about lately – Saladin, Napoleon, Anne Frank, Balzac, Oscar Wilde – they don’t seem bogged down in insecurity. I look at her. Maybe I should give her a name. She’s called Silence, that’s what I’ll call her. She’s not me though. She’s real. That’s hard to accept still. But anyhow, she seems not to face any troubles. She’s always been good at what she’s incredibly famous for and was given time and opportunity. I have neither of those things.
So of course I struggle. She doesn’t seem to, she’s being internationally successful for being herself and that is a one in a million chance. I feel like Time gives me no chance. The joke that I thought Time was my friend…Time’s gonna kill everything eventually so don’t fret. This stance I have adopted lately, I’m not sure why it has happened. Like because of Silence I don’t give a shit as much or am trying to diminish her impact on me by reminding myself that everything passes.
All Things Must Pass.
I’m listening to The Great Divide
In the Great Divide / I don’t fit in / too well
No one else to care for or love…
In the Great Divide / You won’t fit in / too well